i've been in india for the past 3 weeks. it has been as beautiful as it is hot, as familiar and alive as i remember. but i wonder if i'm not starting to take it for granted, for wasting these days so far from home by not really thinking, by not paying attention to the details, by being wisftul and longing. the tragic truth of generations passing and coming is staring me in the face; am i too stupid to realize that the next time i come back here it may be too late?

in my defense, my mid-college crisis has hit new highs on all fronts. i have never felt so constantly disheveled, lonely, and confused. the stark realities of things are slapping me in the face, a wake-up call that denial is no longer possible. yet all i can muster in response, it seems, is anxiety, and obsessive, noisy, thoughts. for a long time now i've seen this as weakness, a lack of will and a failing of confidence: and it probably is, but i'm no longer going to apologize for it. i would hate to think i've ever become a burden on anyone, but if that is the case, they are welcome to depart from my life. one battle at a time.

the most frustrating part is, by all accounts, my life is going splendidly. except with one little real analysis hiccup, i accomplished what i set out to do the day i landed in austin. with the exception of one hazy year, i had an unforgettable, phenomenal undergraduate experience, surrounded by great people. and now i am going to go to stanford in september. what the hell is my problem?

the answer, like the problem, is two-pronged. first, i'm not at all convinced graduate school is the right next step for me. i want to explore the world, not the library (not that there's anything wrong with that). i wasn't convinced that electrical engineering was my calling as a freshman at ut; i still won't be convinced as a first year at stanford. i don't think i want to teach (as least not early in my life), which is what most ph.d.s end up doing. i love the academic atmosphere, being surrounded by knowledge and those in pursuit of it, but i must confess to a certain fatigue that is only going to get worse. i just don't know if i have the years in me to make it through.

second, my worst fears with heather have come to pass, and there's nothing i can, or should, do about it. we are in an untenable position, with inevitable, and terrifyingly final, drift. as much as i want to delay it, i know it's unstoppable. and the less i think she cares, the more i care. i am so tired of losing people, both friendships and relationships. i want to look forward to moving, to starting over, but another fatigue, that of leaving bits and pieces of your heart behind, strikes deep within me at the prospect. and in the meantime, i am a transient caught between the past and the future, with no real motivation to try to make new friends or meet new people i will have to leave in a few months anyway.

but i am leaving tonight, with my cousin, for australia, and in some ways it represents everything i wish these next few months could be: care-free, light-hearted, vacation. i intend to spend hours lounging on some of the world's most beautiful beaches doing my damnedest not to think. i am going to go to pubs, meet people i will never see again, and enjoy the moment. and i can't wait to lose myself in that old fascination with the new that i feel, with regret, has become dulled here in india.

this is the price that life extracts from the living: some days are better than others. i have few regrets. the future, in almost all the possible paths i could take, is bright (vonnegut is laughing, somewhere), and the present is chasing its horizon. but still: fuck. fuck fuck fucking fuck.