i wrote a previous entry in this journal about personality, about the person i wanted to be. more than striving for perfection, that entry was about defining the things that mattered to me.

this entry is also about things that matter, but it is the involuntary, the unwanted, the undesirable; it is about my flaws, and an admission that won't make me stronger, but hopefully less afraid of being vulnerable.

first, a preface: i know that we are all necessarily flawed creatures. anything otherwise would be a perfectly dull, dead universe. someone once told me that flaws were the most beautiful part of people, the most fascinating insight into who they are and why they are. it's the imperfections that breathe life into our actions, make us all tragic heroes. over time, our flaws can change, but some are with us forever, a haunting reminder to love the struggle, not the destination.

now, to the main event; the enumeration of certain flaws here should not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by me.

i have a self-esteem problem that i have rarely admitted to anyone, much less myself. being short, unathletic and altogether goofy looking kind of really bothers me sometimes. this is probably because i am far too insecure about what people, strangers and friends alike, think of me.

i hate being daft about mechanical and hands-on things, and i can't even figure out how i got that way.

i can be obsessive, possessive, and dangerously jealous. i am an excessive sentimentalist, painfully sappy (anyone who actually reads this journal - that is, heather - is now saying "reaaally?"). let's face it, i'm a dramatic emo kid (i think i just died a little on the inside saying that out loud).

i have a short fuse about trivial things. i sometimes take on a very disconcerting holier than thou tone when arguing about things i believe in. i often unwittingly judge people's beliefs without even knowing the people. i am a peer pressure nightmare, especially after a few drinks.

i am a shy, occasionally awkward, and relatively nervous character. i let things that bother me stay with me, but don't even admit them to myself. i fake serenity or indifference far too often.

alright, i think that's enough for now.

sometimes the ruffles in life can bring out the worst of you, and when it does, it helps to take a deep breath, stare it in the face, and acknowledge it.