as long as i can remember, my parents have been fond of telling me my priorities were entirely screwed up. i think i finally agree with them.

while i've been fidgeting in my uncomfortable new world, life has been creeping along in that slow but inevitable pace, daring me to decide what matters to me. i think law school is out- but i can't articulate why. i badly want grad school to be as meaningful to me as undergrad was, but it is not exactly a place to go to find direction. i haven't decided what i want to study, why i want to study it, or what it means for the remaining lifetime ahead. i want to make a difference, like everyone does; i can't decide if i want that difference to be tangibly reaching out, striving for big things, or by loving the people closest to me and finding the beauty of small triumphs. i want it to be both, and i don't want to rank them.

these days, the pressure of difficult decisions seems almost heavy in the air. i saw in brett the conflict of his uprooting, the burden of the emotional ties tugging him in opposite directions, but also the spark of excitement and happiness that comes with the confidence of having the right priorities. i hear from matt how concerned he is about leaving his friends and family behind to go to columbia, the best school in the country for historic preservation, and there are still no easy choices. and when heather chose to move to dallas and go to smu, the necessary truth of her priorities laid silently between us, like the calm expanse of an unpassable lake.

and now it is my turn. what will i do? will i have the courage of my friends to pursue vague and hazy dreams on my own? can i leave the handful of friends still left, friends who have touched me deeply these past four years? will i have the conviction to turn down dollars for meaning, comfort for sincerity, and pursue what made me want to become an engineer in the first place? will i ever even decide what my priorities are?

a dark but heavily travelled path lies ahead. stay tuned.