it's my last summer in austin, and it's more than half over.

it hurts to say it. most of the time, i'm trying not to even think about it. when i do, my excitement at a future in california tends to mix with an epic nervousness about my abilities, a nostalgic sorrow over leaving austin, and a pang of loneliness at journeys diverging, into one explosive emotional cocktail that always threatens to leave me nautious.

how did i get here, really? i never had that "aha" moment. certainty seems to elusively sneak around me, always just slightly out of my grasp. there have been a handful of times i've been absolutely convinced i knew what i wanted and i knew what mattered to me; slowly time itself re-introduced doses of doubts i thought i had already conquered. it's not so easy, it seems.

i like what i do, most days. but still, it seems to me, that when you're about to commit your life to something, and someone asks you a simple, point blank question -- why this? -- you should be able to look them in the eye and answer directly. i feel a little sheepish to admit it, but right now, that is still one of the questions floating around me in various degrees of proximity. i enjoy the science; i enjoy the technology. i love being paid to learn, to explore new directions. i feed off the challenges, and the inventiveness nurtures my ambition. and then:

what if i'm terrible at computer architecture, or machine learning, or research, in general?

what if i don't have the creativity to invent?

am i ever really going to become an expert, when i still feel like so much of a novice?

what if this isn't the best fit for me? shouldn't i be reading computer architecture articles all day instead of political ones?

when does it become too late to take it back?

i don't have answers to these questions, so i shove them to the side, for now. part of going to stanford is searching for these answers, of not shying away from what i still have to prove to myself. but fuck, it's coming a little faster than i had planned.

as each of these quick, indistinguishable summer days melts into the next, the whole big blob of them feels like it is hurtling with unstoppable velocity towards this showdown i am not entirely convinced i belong in. this has been a summer of self-improvement goals given only a token wave, tempered by the cooling desire to enjoy the slowness while its here, to be thrilled by what i don't have to do. it has been a barter between actually preparing for what is ahead and a zen-like attempt at mind-cleansing, the latter bringing an irresistable lazy temptation to the table. if this was any longer of a break than it is, i don't doubt that i would be as clean as an empty slate by the time i actually got there.

but there is so much here that i want to hold on to. i wish i had more time, to soak it all in. maybe even to do a little soul-searching. i know in many ways it won't be as apocalyptic as it feels occasionally.

but it won't be austin. and it won't be that beautiful girl next door who i fell in love with so fiercely.