what the hell am i doing?

i've never been in this position before. i didn't even know i was in this position now. i've never had to turn anyone down.

the worst part is that i can't even articulate why i did in a way that completely convinces me. so much time has passed, and beneath the scars there is a loneliness, a longing for comforts that feel so far away. part of me feels so ready to seize the world, to go out and look for something, someone, again. heather has taken that deep breath and painful steps forward; why can't i?

maybe it's because i still hear the love in her voice, and i'm not ready to give that up. a meaningless date is one thing - but how could i start something with someone under the pretense it might lead somewhere, when "somewhere" is not a place i want to be?

i can't help but wonder if i'm sabotaging myself waiting for something that might never happen, waiting when i never had any intention to wait to begin with. but the other part of me can't even imagine it. how could i be with someone (who cares) while thinking about someone else? how incredibly dishonest and cruel would that be? that is not a person i want to be.

i wish i could say that if things changed, if heather wanted me back, i'd have the courage and confidence to stay the course, to find my own life first. but if i'm being honest with myself, i know that i'd take her back in a heartbeat, because i miss her so much. and as long as that is true - as long as i'm still thinking about what could have been - i don't deserve to be emotionally intimate with anyone else.

i guess what makes it so hard is i'm too shy to really pursue the shallow stuff very seriously. it's not that i don't want to - it's that i just have no idea how. i've always cared, in some degree, about the people i've been interested in.

honestly, i have no idea what the hell i'm doing, or what i'm looking for. i'm happy, but concerned. i don't want to give up what i have. she's still my world. but i have to find the balance i promised both of us i would. i do want to find a reprieve from this loneliness. i want to feel good about where i'm at, so that if heather and i ever did have another opportunity, it's a mutual one. i don't want to be - and i won't be - a love-stricken fool waiting for her to experiment with the world and come back to only as a last resort. (i absolutely know that isn't her intent or her desire, but she can't control my unwillingness to move forward - only i can).

and the truth is, as much as i want to hope right now that we'll find each other again, i know how unlikely it is. i know that we can be friends and still live our own lives. to some extent, we proved that last quarter. i take a lot of comfort in that; it isn't as painful as it used to be. but the other truth is that she'll always be more than a friend to me. maybe it won't always be romantic, but it will always be a special bond. and whatever it is right now, i like it just the way it is.

i think.