"i want to die from an overdose of life."
    - hilton mcconnico

i am a remarkably, unfairly, and incomprehensibly lucky human being. even as i deflect these charges, i cannot deny them. in a world so often characterized by tragic struggles, i have stumbled upon, for the moment, at least, a patch of astonishing good fortune. let's recap (and please don't hate me):

• spent the last year and counting living, loving, and exploring in san francisco
• spent a week in bermuda on perfect white sand beaches at a beautiful resort, invited by a friend at no cost
• spent five weeks on a paid trip to Lausanne, doing research at EPFL with experts in an area that I never expected to be working in but is perfect for my interests
• spent ten days wandering around London, Paris and Rome with my parents, doing my best to lose myself in places already overflowing with life
• am now back in this unbelievable city, spending gorgeous days on sun-baked beaches just minutes (no more than 25, i hear) from my apartment
• going to Austin next weekend with ($800+) VIP ACL tickets that James hooked up for free
• going to India in January with my entire family for my niece's 1st birthday and naming ceremony

this is a slice of my 25th year, and i don't know if i am chasing life or it is chasing me. somehow things are falling into place in ways i could never have imagined or ever would have had the audacity to ask for. for this brief glimmer, the ph.d. program is everything i want it to be: a sheltering hand to guide me without trapping me.

i know it sounds like i am gloating, but what i am really trying to say is: i am so thankful. i haven't done anything special to deserve even half the things that have fallen into my lap, and i know it. my payment, i hope, is to never cease to be amazed by the fullness of the life that i have; to vow to return at least some of the love that i have taken; to never stop appreciating the greenness of a leaf or the mischievious smile of a beautiful soul.

while the city can be mad, i am slowly falling in love with it; maybe because it can be mad, and in its madness is an unmistakeable energy that trumpets out of unsuspecting homes and marches down innocent streets. if there can be an overdose of life, i am certain i will find it here.

it is my sincere hope that whenever i am feeling sorry for myself, i can read this journal, and remember this sense of awe that has been bubbling inside of me for the past few weeks. but i hope, too, that i do not become too satisfied, too complacent. i want to keep pushing my comfort zone outwards. i want to keep finding things i didn't know i was looking for.

so at this overwhelmingly opportunistic crossroads in my life, i guess i am trying to strike a careful balance -- between humility and hope, gratitude and gusto. i don't know what this balance is, or if i've found it already. in the end, what i want most is to never relinquish that unquenchable feeling of life that, in our best moments, can be so arresting.