taking in these last fleeting days of my first graduate spring break, i am happier than i thought i would be. finally, i feel mostly up to the challenges that remain before me; comfortable in once foreign surroundings; energized by the beauty of northern California. i won't declare my quarter-life "what the hell am i doing with my life" crisis over just yet, but this seems to be a stunning reversal from what i considered some of my darker days of just a year ago.
what surprises me most is how little has changed. the difference seems mostly of my own making - not a decisive action or a clear victory - but a subtle recalibration of perspective. it is, i think, the grateful grasp of a little solid footing in the constantly shifting sands of confidence that i often find myself in.
it is this tension, this struggle, between confidence and doubt, arrogance and humility, that have come to characterize some of my innermost battles. i want to assert myself without being forceful. i want to trust the answers i have while acknowledging the ones i don't. if doubt is the sophistication that sees our own limitations, confidence is that barbarism that can carry us past them.
from confidence, we can draw the strength to realize that the world is not as daunting, nor as perceptive, as we fear. it can shield us from our embarrassments and protect us from taking ourselves too seriously. most importantly, confidence decouples our value from immediate events; it is the reassuring voice in the back of our heads that allows us to fail without becoming failures.
it often seems to be the difference between our highs and lows - this almost imperceptible slipperiness that makes one breath deep and another ragged. it sounds like it should be empowering, but to me, it's a little scary to consider, or admit, how much control i may have over my own mental well-being. instead of as the victim or benefactor of external events, the state of my life is, to a great extent, in my mind's eye. i realize this is probably obvious, a simple truth recognized by millions who have found happiness despite strife and a love for life without condition. but to me, this is a frightening amount of responsibility: a charge to never allow doubt to consume me.
in my most confident moments, the world slows down, just a little bit. i can glance around without feeling like it's all escaping me. for a minute or two, i don't worry about the pandemonium, the cosmic madness, our bright and brief flash on the stage. in calm and measured steps, i can embrace the path ahead as the best of my own making; and i can smile at the world behind me without looking back.